the_gneech: (Default)
[personal profile] the_gneech
I spent the morning grinding my gears on this stupid question of the test in SF, and eventually looked at it this way:

BEST CASE SCENARIO: I ace the test, they call me to fly out to SF again in a couple of weeks for interview, and if I get hired we start frantically moving, for a civil service job which while it would pay the bills is unlikely to be exactly thrilling or remunerative in one of the top three highest-rent places on the meta-flipping PLANET, causing me to probably be job hunting again in six months.

WORST CASE SCENARIO: I run up more debt on the credit card, don't get the job, have to cope with another discouraging rejection, and am still grinding away on the job hunt.

DETERMINING FACTORS: Who knows? I might be their star candidate and the test is a formality, they're just not allowed to say so. Or like I said before, they might have a chosen candidate already and are just forced to go through the "we tested other candidates" dance. Without at least having a phone interview first, I'm going in completely blind.

So all of it was a roll of the dice, and historically, dice are not kind to me. It's a recurring joke in my gaming circles, actually, that I create these crazy twinked-out powergaming characters, only to be constantly foiled by my inability roll higher than 33% of the desired result. I've long ago given up betting on anything but the most stacked-in-my-favor odds, and even then I prefer the sure thing if it's available.

But the worst part of it all, honestly, was the feeling of desperation. Being so set on the idea of some job, any job, out in CA, that I'd be willing to hop on a plane blind to the outcome, is just inviting the bad wolf to come and bite me in the neck. So I e-mailed the job contact asking if they had any options for remote testing. She replied that they didn't, so I thanked her for the opportunity and withdrew my application.

She said, "I'm sorry to hear this," which is the most information I've received about it one way or the other, but I also note that she's not sorry enough to try to change my mind, either. And I also didn't get the information until it was too late for it to be useful, so... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Identifying that feeling of desperation was the clinching factor me, tho. Frankly? I'm tired of chasing things. Whether it's a job, or a book sale, or trying to get someone I like to hang out with me, whatever it is. The never-ending pursuit of ______, sometimes to the point of going down crazy mental rabbit-holes, has got to stop.

Universe, you can start chasing me, instead.

I still want to go to California, but I'm not going to tie myself into knots to do it. I'm going to keep applying to jobs that will get me there in style, but I'm not going to enslave myself to the idea in the meantime. If it's just a matter of paying the bills, I can find work around here (or work that does not require an office at all) that will do that in the meantime.

It's kinda what I was getting at a while back about "How would California Gneech actually be different?" There's no point in setting myself up to be living a life of quiet desperation on the left coast instead of the right coast. At the end of the day, the externalities of where I am have less to do with my development and state of mind than the internalities of who I am. Until I can find and maintain my own core without worrying about what's going on around me, moving to California is like changing the cosmic desktop wallpaper. It is prettier, but it doesn't actually make things better.

-The Gneech

Date: 2017-03-02 09:33 pm (UTC)
inkblitz: (Default)
From: [personal profile] inkblitz
Why is the reply button so freaking small and out of the way on Dreamwidth? Seems kind of like an oversight!

The way I think of it, you can change where you live, you can change who you live with, but no matter where you go you still have to live with yourself. The atmosphere outside might change, but sometimes what might need to change is the atmosphere inside your house, which in a person's case would be their own thinking and the people they surround themselves with. In this current political climate, I can totally understand why anyone would want to go to California or Chicago or any of the big liberal cities (Heck, I want to move to Pittsburgh, it's a pretty liberal city). But since things are not lining up to move you to Cali, maybe there are other things that you can do where you are right now to make life better for you two?

Honestly, I don't know! Though I'm starting to worry that all of these rejections might start pulling you down. :(

Date: 2017-03-03 04:22 am (UTC)
inkblitz: (Default)
From: [personal profile] inkblitz
Funny that you mention never developing that skill... I've had the same problem, for similar reasons, and been trying to take a crash course in learning it. XP

But you'll get there. It might take a little bit longer than you wanted, but you're an intelligent, awesome guy. You'll get there. :D

Date: 2017-03-03 05:48 pm (UTC)
sirfox: (Default)
From: [personal profile] sirfox
In my own experience, the How is Me Out Here Different, specifically kinda comes down to better reactions and responses to the environment:

There's the Solar Powered Aspect, and absence of anything that could be called Winter that make Going Outside a lot less depressing.

There's an overall Base-Level Tolerance for Weird that, liberal they may be, just doesn't fly in urban/suburban areas up and down the east coast except maybe Key West. I LIKE it when i'm in line in the grocery behind a 4' tall latina grandmother has a foot tall purple sparkly hairdo, and nobody says anything but "hey, awesome!"

Those two things as background elements feel like they make for a happier base-level me, because i'm not fighting off the blehs that come from putting up with that daily.

Even my commute, which could suck, at least had very pretty views. in DC's greater metro area and suburbs, you have the treeline... and that's it.

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