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[personal profile] sirfox called me late last night with the news of Albert Temple's passing, although there had been people noting his absence on LiveJournal and elsewhere for days with concern.

To summarize what I've said elsewhere:

Ryan Dewalt reports on FurAffinity that Albert Temple, creator of the long-running and popular furry webcomic Gene Catlow, has passed away at 59 due to natural causes.

Gene Catlow began in 2000 and covered a wide variety of topics including race ("species") relations, tech humor, and Albert's particular humble and loving approach to the world.

Albert's messages of love, tolerance, and good humor in the face of adversity will be sorely missed.


One of the kindest people I ever met, with a wit that was quick but never cruel. Very grateful for the chance to have known him. In the flurry of Twitter messages that went by this morning I saw someone describe him as "the Fred Rogers of furry," and it really does suit him.

Albert and I were not close, but he was the kind of person who made you feel like you were good friends just be being in the same room, and I like to think that if we'd been in the same circles more often we would have been.

Godspeed, sir, and hoping we'll see you again.

-The Gneech
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They do what they wants.

-The Gneech
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Today: 290.1 lbs
down 29.4 lbs from my highest weight of 319.5 on November 25, 2016
down 28.9 lbs from my starting weight of 319 on July 1, 2014 (139 weeks)
average lost: 0.21 lbs/week
next milestone: 287 lbs (10% loss)

Normally I'm pretty dubious of the "didn't lose weight 'cos building muscle" thing, but I'm pretty sure last week that was actually the case. I added some more rigorous muscle-building routines into my workouts (including carrying weights while doing what is otherwise mostly cardio), and I can tell the difference it's made.

That said, I miss my Bowflex. I want to do some more serious weight lifting again soon.

-TG
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I've talked before about my flummoxation with the old saw of "sex sells," and its corollary, "what isn't sex, doesn't sell."

I don't get it. And there are many aspects of it I don't get.

I mean, I understand why sex might sell; I've bought comics myself because of the sex appeal of a particular character or story, but it's such a small sliver on the pie chart of what's interesting in life. In a world full of amazing wonders, exciting possibilities, and the vast spectrum of love, hate, and human relationships, why does the career arc of so many comics artists and/or furry artists follow the same pattern of, "Draws some stuff, doesn't get noticed, draws sex stuff, interest explodes, ends up drawing the same piece of porn over and over again forever because why bother doing anything else?"

Heck, I've seen it in my own work. I know how to push fandom buttons. I can predict with a fair amount of certainty which pics or pages will get a big response, based on sex content. And... just... enh. -.-

The part that baffles me the most, tho, is... are people buying the same porn pic over and over? Why would you do that? What could you possibly get out of the same thing drawn again? They must be, for sales to sustain in that quantum level of difference. I suppose maybe it's like hearing a remix of a favorite song... but even I can't stand hearing four different versions of Ghostbusters in a row.

How does a steady diet of the same damn porn pic over and over not get monotonous AF?

What prompted this particular rant was a trip to Barnes & Noble yesterday. I was looking through the manga section and came upon a title I forget now, which had an bait-and-switchy eye-catch cover of a genki girl in some action pose... who turned out to be a very minor character in a drama comic full of people in school uniforms standing around. Very clearly, somebody in the marketing department, following the principle of "sex sells, and what isn't sex, doesn't sell," decided a drama comic about people in school uniforms standing around couldn't possibly be of interest, so put this gal on the cover. But doing this leads to the worst of both worlds– people looking for genki girls in action poses aren't gonna buy the book after picking it up, and people looking for teenage angst aren't going to know that this is the book for them.

That's not all of it, tho. An artist whom I used to love like crazy, I have had to pretty much stop following, because over the years everything I used to love them for (great artistic composition, interesting character dynamics, a clever sense of humor) have fallen away one by one, to be replaced by the service of a singular particular fetish. In short, their work has become monotonous AF. Artists gotta follow their muse, so I'm not going to call them out on it or anything like that. But as a fan of the artist-they-were, I can't help but resent they've evolved into this one-trick doppleganger of someone whose work used to mean so much to me.

There's a whole other rant about the male gaze aspect of "sex sells," but I should probably stop while I can still form coherent sentences. In the broader culture, this is a topic full of misogyny, but even in the super-gay world of furry art, where the males are gazing at other males, it's still there, and still annoying. But that's a rant for another day.

-The Gneech
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Today is Gamemaster Day!

It's also [personal profile] sirfox's birthday!

Celebrate the occasion by casting magic missiles at tentacled horrors.

-The Gneech
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I spent the morning grinding my gears on this stupid question of the test in SF, and eventually looked at it this way:

BEST CASE SCENARIO: I ace the test, they call me to fly out to SF again in a couple of weeks for interview, and if I get hired we start frantically moving, for a civil service job which while it would pay the bills is unlikely to be exactly thrilling or remunerative in one of the top three highest-rent places on the meta-flipping PLANET, causing me to probably be job hunting again in six months.

WORST CASE SCENARIO: I run up more debt on the credit card, don't get the job, have to cope with another discouraging rejection, and am still grinding away on the job hunt.

DETERMINING FACTORS: Who knows? I might be their star candidate and the test is a formality, they're just not allowed to say so. Or like I said before, they might have a chosen candidate already and are just forced to go through the "we tested other candidates" dance. Without at least having a phone interview first, I'm going in completely blind.

So all of it was a roll of the dice, and historically, dice are not kind to me. It's a recurring joke in my gaming circles, actually, that I create these crazy twinked-out powergaming characters, only to be constantly foiled by my inability roll higher than 33% of the desired result. I've long ago given up betting on anything but the most stacked-in-my-favor odds, and even then I prefer the sure thing if it's available.

But the worst part of it all, honestly, was the feeling of desperation. Being so set on the idea of some job, any job, out in CA, that I'd be willing to hop on a plane blind to the outcome, is just inviting the bad wolf to come and bite me in the neck. So I e-mailed the job contact asking if they had any options for remote testing. She replied that they didn't, so I thanked her for the opportunity and withdrew my application.

She said, "I'm sorry to hear this," which is the most information I've received about it one way or the other, but I also note that she's not sorry enough to try to change my mind, either. And I also didn't get the information until it was too late for it to be useful, so... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Identifying that feeling of desperation was the clinching factor me, tho. Frankly? I'm tired of chasing things. Whether it's a job, or a book sale, or trying to get someone I like to hang out with me, whatever it is. The never-ending pursuit of ______, sometimes to the point of going down crazy mental rabbit-holes, has got to stop.

Universe, you can start chasing me, instead.

I still want to go to California, but I'm not going to tie myself into knots to do it. I'm going to keep applying to jobs that will get me there in style, but I'm not going to enslave myself to the idea in the meantime. If it's just a matter of paying the bills, I can find work around here (or work that does not require an office at all) that will do that in the meantime.

It's kinda what I was getting at a while back about "How would California Gneech actually be different?" There's no point in setting myself up to be living a life of quiet desperation on the left coast instead of the right coast. At the end of the day, the externalities of where I am have less to do with my development and state of mind than the internalities of who I am. Until I can find and maintain my own core without worrying about what's going on around me, moving to California is like changing the cosmic desktop wallpaper. It is prettier, but it doesn't actually make things better.

-The Gneech
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UPDATE: Nope.

The job hunt carries on apace, and a new wrinkle has come up. One of the jobs I applied for, a PR post with the city of San Francisco, wrote back yesterday with "You're qualified! Your written test is in two weeks, at the testing facility on Cesar Chavez St, noon." To which I replied, "Well that's novel."

The possibility of going to SF for interviews or whatnot has come up a couple of times during the job hunt, but usually it was something reserved for "round three" of the interview process. Having it be step one, coming before even an interview, was not something that had occurred to me.

The test in question is "a core written test designed to measure knowledge, skills and/or abilities in job-related areas which may include but are not limited to: knowledge of basic principles and practices of public information, analytical ability, organizational ability, human relations ability, and written communication ability." I can do some cramming on public information and human relations practices, but the rest is native skill. I have no doubt I can do the job, but with limited directly-relevant experience, I'll need to knock the test out of the park to actually get the job.

My only real hesitation about the whole thing is the expense involved in just buggering off to the other side of the country for a day to take a test. Civil service jobs have been known to be posted when they have a candidate in mind already but are required by regulations to at least go through the motions of looking at other applicants, and it would kinda suck to spend 10 hours on a plane and pay for the privilege if someone was yanking my chain. On the other hand, I have no evidence suggesting that's the case here, and what was the point in applying for the job if I wasn't willing to pursue it?

On the plus side, lunch in San Francisco. ;) So, that'd be cool. If any other prospects open up between now and then, I can also use "I'll be in town in two weeks and available for interviewing" as a strategy.

So. SAN FRANCISCO! I WILL SOON BE IN YOU! FOR A BIT.


-The Gneech
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Today: 293.1 lbs
down 26.4 lbs from my highest weight of 319.5 on November 25, 2016
down 25.9 lbs from my starting weight of 319 on July 1, 2014 (138 weeks)
average lost: 0.19 lbs/week
next milestone: 287 lbs (10% loss)

...It's a little soon to be in a plateau, isn't it?

-The Gneech
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The devs working on my life have apparently gotten stuck on what's supposed to happen next, because I've been stuck grinding this same level for a year now.

It wouldn't be entirely accurate to say that no progress is being made: I'll soon have another issue of the comic out the door, and a new project officially launches on Monday. I am back down below 300 lbs and continuing to improve on that front. But the "waiting for _______ to get here" theme that has been a defining element of my life for way too much forever, is still there, and I am honestly pretty sick of it.

After conferring with all affected parties, California is waiting on the appearance of a job. To that end, I've been sending off applications, an average of 4-6 a week, and I have had some interviews, but the net result keeps being "We want someone with more formal experience." A story that I had thought was sold came back when the anthology it was sold to got cancelled; I immediately sent it off to another another anthology, but it was declined. I have received polite no-thank-you's from almost all the agents I sent the Sky Pirates book to, and the remaining ones I don't expect to hear from, meaning that to carry that any further, I'm going to have to go back to square one and find a whole new batch of agents to send it to... or write another book.

In LoA circles, the general advice is to act as if you've already got what you want, and life will arrange itself accordingly. So I've been trying to figure out: okay, if I could snap my fingers and just have the life I wanted today, what would actually be different? How would Fully Actualized Gneech in California look and act differently from Grinding Gneech in Maryland? What is it that I picture being different?

Unfortunately, the answer all seems to be in externalities. Sunnier days, being closer to the beach and being more active outside generally, more of my friends in one localized area, that kind of thing. But when I think about what's actually bugging me right now, it's mostly concerns about finances, worry about the piss-poor state of the country and the broken climate, and feeling isolated. The finances and the isolation I could theoretically fix here by finding a local job (and/or selling some friggin' books) and using Meetup.com to find some clubs or a gaming group or something. The country and the climate are larger, long-term problems that are going to be problems anywhere. I have been avoiding digging in locally because I don't want to have to dig back out whenever the theoretical California job appears... but that leaves me floating in limbo.

Honestly, if I could get around the money problem, the rest would fall naturally into place. Drawing comics and writing books are things I naturally do, those are my "vocation." Turning them into a source of comfortable income is the place where I always run into trouble. It was fine when [personal profile] laurie_robey was bringing in sufficient income for the both of us, but that isn't the case any more and we have to deal with that.

I think I need to go back and do a refresher on what I actually want my life to be like, the proverbial "ideal day" exercise, and do a little compare/contrast to figure out how it's different from my actual not-so-ideal life and why. Then I can refocus on concrete ways to move from the one, to the other.

-The Gneech
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From the Metaquotes LiveJournal Community...

"Why are you writing to your elected representative instead of seeking to overthrow a foreign government from your living room" is a question that I feel answers itself.


-The Gneech
the_gneech: (Default)
Today: 293.1 lbs
down 26.4 lbs from my highest weight of 319.5 on November 25, 2016
down 25.9 lbs from my starting weight of 319 on July 1, 2014 (137 weeks)
average lost: 0.19 lbs/week
next milestone: 287 lbs (10% loss)

Reversed last week's blip up, but only a very slight nudge down from the week before it. It's been very hard to stay within points and get myself to work out this past week, opting mostly for walking instead. Will try to pick up the slack a bit this week.

-TG
the_gneech: (Default)


Rice is amazing, I'll eat anything steaming hot
Ramen and udon with pancake, this and that
Carbohydrates, carbohydrates
A dreamy collaboration
(Hot, hot, steaming hot!)

Rice is amazing, it's a problem if I don't have it
Better yet, rice should be a complete side dish
If you're from Kansai, it's all about okonomiyaki & rice

But...I'm not from Kansai
(Wait, what?!)
One, two, three, four, rice!
One, two, three, four, rice!

Rice is amazing, I'll eat anything steaming hot
Fermented cabbage and soybeans, raw egg, this and that
White rice is a pure, snowy white canvas
A fantasy imagination
(Hot, hot, steaming hot!)

Rice is amazing, it's a problem if I don't have it
Rice is a staple food, after all
If you're from Japan, it's all about rice over bread

(spoken)
"Rice isn't a side dish, you know!"
"Oh... I forgot."
"HEY!"


Rice is amazing, I'll eat anything steaming hot!
Fried noodles, octopus balls, pork wrapped in egg, this and that
Carbohydrates, carbohydrates
A dreamy collaboration
(Hot, hot, steaming hot! Let's go, let's go!)

Rice is amazing, it's a problem if I don't have it
Better yet, rice should be a complete side dish
If you're from Kansai, it's all about okonomiyaki & rice

I must have been from Kansai in a past life!
(What the hell?!)
One, two, three, four, rice!
One, two, three, four, rice!
One, two, three, four, rice!
One, two, three, four, rice!

-The Gneech
the_gneech: (Default)
Today: 295.5 lbs
down 24 lbs from my highest weight of 319.5 on November 25, 2016
down 23.5 lbs from my starting weight of 319 on July 1, 2014 (136 weeks)
average lost: 0.17 lbs/week
next milestone: 287 lbs (10% loss)

Nudged back up a little this week, bleh. Hopefully that means the next two weeks are down down. Suspect it was the pizza that did it. ¬.¬

-The Gneech
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I woke up in the midst of a fierce mental debate, which I can only assume my brain was already having with itself while I was asleep, on the topic of how a society inoculates itself against memetic viruses. In particular, I'm thinking of the current kerfluffle in the furry community about quasi-fascist furry groups. [1]

Fascist ideas are best compared to a virus that infects tolerant societies. The same way an actual virus uses your own body's mechanisms to invade and destroy, fascist ideas use the mechanisms by which oppressed or disenfranchised groups in a tolerant society claim their civic liberties, to co-opt, overtake, and destroy those liberties for everyone else.

A story I recently encountered (now lost to the vagaries of the internet, because there's been so much churn) illustrated this perfectly. Someone who was a bouncer in London bars back in the '80s and '90s was explaining why they had a blanket "no skinheads" policy, and it boiled down to this: one or two skinheads would come into a bar, buy their drinks, and just sit quietly. Fine. Then a couple more would come in and sit with them. Then a few more. And as long as they didn't get kicked out, they'd keep coming in until there were eight or ten or more, and then they would start harassing the other bar patrons, spewing racial epithets and other hate, and from there it was either a fight or a police raid. So the bar would kick them all out and refuse to serve them.

Then it would be quiet for a while.

Then one day, one or two skinheads would show up and say, "Look man, I don't want trouble, I just want a drink." And, in a tolerant society, the inclination is naturally to say, "Yeah, that's reasonable, okay."

But then a couple more will come in and sit down...

And so it goes. So it has gone through pretty much all of recorded history. This is why so many people have a blanket policy of "Always punch nazis." Because you can punch nazis when there are a few of them, or punch nazis when there are a lot of them, but eventually, you will have to punch nazis.

So much for the tolerant left! WHAM

There are legit problems with this stance. It's too easy to just call everyone you don't like "nazi," just for starters. One reason I've always taken people to task for throwing terms like "fascist" and "nazi" around over the past decades is that the words lose their meaning. So in 2016, when we had actual, real, not theoretical fascists marching into power, people like me who objected to this were told again and again that we were overreacting. (SPOILER: We weren't.)

But the biggest legit problem with the "always punch nazis" stance (or "always ban skinheads" or whatever variant you employ), is a matter of logical consistency. On what basis can you say that it is not just all right but is in fact a moral imperative to ostracize fascism, that can't be then turned around and made into a tool of fascism?

I call this the Cake Conundrum. I.e., if I refuse to bake a nazi-flag cake, do I have a case to be upset when someone refuses to bake a cake for a gay wedding?

The answer here is yes, and I have a reason for that answer, but it is such a super-fine line of distinction that it's very hard to make work on a societal level, because it's all about context.

A gay couple getting married are, by definition, making a commitment on how they will conduct their own behavior, and live their own lives. Their choice does not threaten anyone else.

Fascism is built on the foundational idea of exalting one chosen group at the expense of all the rest. That is inherently a threat to the rights of everyone who is not a member of that group.

In a tolerant society, the former, even if it squicks you out, doesn't hurt other people, and therefore is legit. The latter, even if it gives you perks, hurts others, and therefore is not. [2]

This is why the term "hate speech" was coined, to give a name to this distinction between "things that are socially divergent but don't actually do harm" and "things that actually harm others." On a societal level, whether you prefer to snuggle guys or gals is no different from whether you prefer stuffing or potatoes. But if you want to ostracize, enslave, or kill other people? That is different.

It is a weird contradiction that the argument boils down to "It's okay to ostracize ostracizers." And I don't think it will ever stop seeming weird. But I don't see how you can have a functional and still free society without it.

Once again, it's like the virus model. Being intolerant of intolerance is the vaccination that prevents the virus of fascism from being able to invade and destroy.

-The Gneech

(Note: Comments closed because I have better things to do than listen to the usual trolls coming out of the woodwork and trying to distract, deflect, and distort. If you want to have an honest discussion on the topic, I can be reached through private channels.)

[1] Yes, there really are such things, as bonkers as it sounds. Forgetting for a moment the extreme cognitive dissonance of "I love fluffy adorable animals, and genocide!" I don't think I'll ever understand how "I've been ostracized and it feels bad..." translates into "And now I want to do it to everyone else!"

[2] There are people, and mind you I know 'em, who are like, "Eh, fascists aren't that bad..." These people are generally white, straight, and (almost always) male. In other words, "it's not a problem for me, therefore it's not a problem." This is the definition of privilege, and it really pisses them off when you say so. But it really pisses me off when I see it, so.
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Three Good Things for Today


  1. Job interview/work exercise thingie seemed to go well.

  2. Randomly grouped with a fun team in Overwatch; added many of them to "prefer this player" list.

  3. Thought I was watching the final episode of K-On!– turns out there are at least two more!


Three Goals for Tomorrow


  1. Dailyburn

  2. Collect more photos and art for (secret collab project)

  3. Get in some TwitterPonies time

  4. STRETCH GOAL: More job apps out


Gnite world. Have an awesome tomorrow.

-The Gneech
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The other day [personal profile] inkblitz posted a little thing about seasonal depression, which prompted a thought in my mind that I wanted to observe.

I've known Blitzy for something like five years now. We were thrown together by our online RP group but pretty much immediately clicked. And while the RP group is not the focus of either of our lives any more, the friendship has endured. By the standards of, say, high school or college friendships, we're practically blood brothers. But the thing is, we met as adults– in my case, as a middle-aged adult in particular. So for me, a period of five years, while nothing to sneeze at, still counts as being "recent developments."

When we met, I was still in the darkest parts of grief, and quite often depressed; during one of my conversations with Blitzy at the time, I said that having met me after my friends and family started dying left and right, so constantly mired in grief, in many ways he hadn't met "the real me."

But when did I stop being "the real me"? How long can an extended period of grief last before that is "normal"? My father died in 2011 after a long and stressful decline; Kerry died in 2013. I met Inkblitzer somewhere between those two events, and they've cast a long shadow ever since– as have the deaths of Sandy, FrostDemn, Buddha, my aunt Iris, and my mom, and the loss of our house and jobs of 15+ years, all in the same cluster. It's not like my grief was unwarranted. ¬.¬

But recently, something has shifted in me. I'm not sure exactly how, why, or when, although I did comment on it a little while back. I have started being myself again. I still miss everyone that I've lost, and it's not like I'm feeling peachy-keen about all the crap currently going on in the world, but there's an important internal difference.

I'm fine in the moment. I'm thinking about where I am and what I'm doing, instead of thinking about how much pain I'm in or what I've lost. The emotional wounds, as it were, seem to have scarred over. This manifests mostly in a better mood, a sunnier outlook, and a lighter, more playful approach to just about everything. I'm back to treating life like a party or an adventure, rather a slog that I have to just keep pushing through. When I think of "the real me," that's what I think of, the guy who wants to make everything more awesome, not the guy who is stubbornly refusing to give in and just sink to the bottom.

I mentioned to Blitzy that I was finally the real me again; he said, "I think I met the real you enough. At least at conventions. But yeah, I'm seeing more of convention you in general."

So I wonder. Maybe "the real me" isn't a fixed point, so much as an aggregation, and the me that was fighting through all that crap was "really" me too, me bearing the weight of what I was going through. But it still feels like being a different person.

-The Gneech
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Three Good Things for Today


  1. Walked around the lake at Rio with [personal profile] laurie_robey.

  2. Got to watch another K-On! ep. <3

  3. Art stream. :)

  4. BONUS GOOD THING! Another 2 lbs down. :)


(I was originally going to list "beautiful weather," but this one is a bit of a mixed bag because while yeah, it was beautiful, the only reason it was beautiful is because the ecosystem is hosed. February should be crap around here.)

Three Goals for Tomorrow


  1. Another art stream to finish page 14.

  2. DailyBurn.

  3. Write on [secret collab project].


Gnite world, and have an awesome tomorrow. <3

-The Gneech
the_gneech: (Default)
Today: 293.9 lbs
down 25.6 lbs from my highest weight of 319.5 on November 25, 2016
down 25.1 lbs from my starting weight of 319 on July 1, 2014 (135 weeks)
average lost: 0.19 lbs/week
next milestone: 287 lbs (10% loss)

All the peculiar little hollows where excess fat starts showing up are starting to empty out again– things like pudgy hands, swollen ankles, the sides of my stomach, etc. The insidious thing about it is, as my weight was creeping back up, I didn't notice when these things were filling in, and that amazes me. A lifetime of being overweight just sorta conditioned me to think of that as "normal" I guess?

Well, I've seen the difference now, and I ain't going back.

-The Gneech
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In the spirit of keeping calm and carrying on, have a random check-in with the mundane things in life.

Job Hunt


In my quest to return to a more traditional job for a while, I have been sending out job applications right and left since sometime in December, and they have started to bear fruit. Two weeks ago I had a phone interview that seemed to go very well, and the interviewer said they would recommend me to the next rung up and that I should expect to hear shortly. This has not happened, causing the interviewer some confusion as the next person up said they were contacting me.

So, a bit of confusion there. Fortunately, they aren't the only fish in the sea! I had another interview yesterday with a different company who (should all things go well) would provide a very nice salary and benefits, as well as a relocation stipend, which would come in very handy. The interviewer for the second company says the hiring process typically takes 2-4 weeks, so that could be done by the end of February.

Fuwa Fuwa Time


I am nearing the end of the main series of K-On! and I love the hell out of this show. Besides the fact that it's funny as all get out, every time I finish an episode I want to round up all of my friends and just hug the heck out of them. It just perfectly captures that ephemeral feeling of realizing you have to live in the moment, because that's all you really have and it will quickly be gone.

It has also made me reflect on what a mess my own childhood was, how it could have gone differently, and how I could have reacted better to the circumstances I was in. Of course I was a child at the time, so I had no frame of reference to realize what a mess it was, so I'm not going to beat myself up about it, just do my best to learn from it.

Shoes By the Door


Speaking of things Japanese, [personal profile] laurie_robey and I have adopted the habit of taking off our shoes at the door and changing to slippers to wear around the house. The reasons are purely pragmatic– we keep squelching in the mud here and tracking it into the house and we don't want to have to keep cleaning the rug– but it does produce an interesting psychological shift as well, making home seem more "homey." I wasn't expecting that.

We're still getting used to it– for the first few weeks particularly I kept putting on my shoes to go out and then realizing I'd left all the lights on and had to go tromping on the rug to turn them off, defeating the purpose. -.- But, as I needed new shoes anyway, I picked up some comfy Sketchers loafers that are easy to slip on and off, making the change of shoes a much quicker and easier process than it was before. So far I'm liking it.

No Mercy


That's it for now. Have an Overwatch fan vid.


-The Gneech

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