Epic Programming Project is Epic

Before I've even written any code to speak of...

The Project: I require information from about four different tables. Very simple value-lookup stuff, but the tables are pretty big. Unless you want to declare umpty-billion different variables by hand, I recommend you use some sort of data structure.

Me: A-ha! I have OpenOffice, which contains a spreadsheet. The tables I want are on the web, so I can copy them from there to the spreadsheet and use ColdFusion 9's wifty new "cfspreadsheet" tag to create pseudo-queries. *copy, paste, save, test*

ColdFusion "CFSpreadsheet" Tag: Fail.

Me: You didn't even really try. Seriously, use that tag.

ColdFusion "CFSpreadsheet" Tag: Fail.

Me: Well dang. Okay, OpenOffice also has a database. I'll import the tables from the spreadsheet to the database, and use that.

OpenOffice Database Module: What does "import" mean?

Me: Aw, c'mon! It's part of the same friggin' software suite and everything!

OpenOffice Database Module: I had Jell-O today.

Me: Okay, fine. The tables aren't that big, I'll manually enter them into the database. *typity, typity, typity* Now then, I'll just set up the database as a datasource in the ColdFusion Administrator...

ColdFusion Administrator: What does "OpenOffice" mean?

Me: Seriously?

ColdFusion Administrator: Y'know, I can use SQL Server databases. And I happen to know that Visual Studio installed a freebie version of SQL Server on your computer, you big traitor you.

Me: If I'd wanted to be a DBA I'd have gone to school for that. I just have a couple of tables. Why is this such a nightmare? Okay, fine. So I'll open up SQL Server and see if it can import the OpenOffice database.

SQL Server: A user interface costs extra, kid.

Me: ...

SQL Server: All right, tell you what ... just 'cause I like you, there's a freebie user interface module on the MicroSoft website.

Me: *hunts down user interface*

MicroSoft Website: This interface has known compatibility issues with you. Er, your version of Windows, I mean. Or possibly your version of SQL Server. Run a service pack after you install it.

Me: So you're smart enough to know there are issues, but not smart enough to fix them?

MicroSoft Website: I like pie.

Me: Maybe I shoulda stuck with umpty-billion different hand-declared variables.

My Computer: This service pack requires a reboot. When you're not looking. *shuts down all programs without saving and restarts the computer while I'm typing up a LJ en