As the flat[> ]land darkened around him, he led the horse a distance away from the stones and built his fire. The boruchs were prone to superstition, reading every sway of grass as a portent, every odd desert cloud as the writing of a god, and every dark shape against the stars as a devil sent to steal someone's soul away; that they believed the dead walked at these stones was only natural for them. I like this!
(continues from previous paragraph, it seems) But Soloman knew well that in this place, they could very well be right, and he [made>took] every precaution. Not so much for his own sake -- he was confident in his blade Lightseeker -- but rather for his horse. Technically, "for his horse's sake". So, "rather for that of his horse" would also be technically correct, but sounds clumsy. Perhaps "Not to protect himself - ... - as much as his horse."
She was strong[,>] and vibrant[,>;] a blazing beacon of life that would be [irresistable>irresistible] to the hungry dead of the desert, should there be any. Most [things>beings, spirits, or italicize "things"] of the night, while attracted to the fire, would not enter the pool of light it made. Around the fire and the horse both, he further drew a rune-marked circle, chanting low under his voice in the First Tongue as he did so. A little bit of confusion. He took every precaution, and then one more. And yet, we haven't actually seen him set any wards yet until this one. Since the "took every precaution" from before sounds more like a description of his overall approach as opposed to a narrative of his actions, I'd describe at least one action before this one and imply others in between, then make the previous phrase more like "he would take every precaution".
It made the horse snort and stomp uncomfortably, but she did not stray[;>.] Soloman had to give the boruchs credit. They trained their horses well. I know what you were doing with the dramatic pause, but the semicolon doesn't quite seem to work here as well as a full stop. The dependency is a little interrupted. It could be "but she did not stray; the boruchs trained their horses well." But it's fine like it is if two sentences.
By the time the camp was made, the sun was gone, leaving only stars upon stars, all staring down at Soloman and his horse ... and the stones. The clause in the early part of this interrupts the flow of the very good line that follows. Perhaps "The sun was gone by the time his preparations were completed, leaving only stars upon stars staring ..."
His tiny fire, being the only light in a hundred miles seemed to burn twice as bright. His tiny fire, the only light in a hundred miles, seemed twice its normal brightness.
Soloman forced himself [not to look at it>to look away from it], to keep his eyes attuned to the dark. Instead, he sat cross-legged with his back to the flames, staring up at the stones, with Lightseeker across his knees, the elvish runes on its blade shining ever-so-slightly blue under the stars. A bit long, though the language is very good. Maybe "...stones. A faint blue radiance limned the runes etched into Lightseeker across his knees.
Here, Soloman waited. He would begin his task at dawn -- assuming nothing happened before then. Something about the word "assuming" triggers clichés in my English-speaking brain. Perhaps "so long as" or "as long as"?
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branchandroot
Edits, part 2
Date: 2002-09-09 04:40 pm (UTC)I like this!
(continues from previous paragraph, it seems) But Soloman knew well that in this place, they could very well be right, and he [made>took] every precaution. Not so much for his own sake -- he was confident in his blade Lightseeker -- but rather for his horse.
Technically, "for his horse's sake". So, "rather for that of his horse" would also be technically correct, but sounds clumsy. Perhaps "Not to protect himself - ... - as much as his horse."
She was strong[,>] and vibrant[,>;] a blazing beacon of life that would be [irresistable>irresistible] to the hungry dead of the desert, should there be any. Most [things>beings, spirits, or italicize "things"] of the night, while attracted to the fire, would not enter the pool of light it made. Around the fire and the horse both, he further drew a rune-marked circle, chanting low under his voice in the First Tongue as he did so.
A little bit of confusion. He took every precaution, and then one more. And yet, we haven't actually seen him set any wards yet until this one. Since the "took every precaution" from before sounds more like a description of his overall approach as opposed to a narrative of his actions, I'd describe at least one action before this one and imply others in between, then make the previous phrase more like "he would take every precaution".
It made the horse snort and stomp uncomfortably, but she did not stray[;>.] Soloman had to give the boruchs credit. They trained their horses well.
I know what you were doing with the dramatic pause, but the semicolon doesn't quite seem to work here as well as a full stop. The dependency is a little interrupted. It could be "but she did not stray; the boruchs trained their horses well." But it's fine like it is if two sentences.
By the time the camp was made, the sun was gone, leaving only stars upon stars, all staring down at Soloman and his horse ... and the stones.
The clause in the early part of this interrupts the flow of the very good line that follows. Perhaps "The sun was gone by the time his preparations were completed, leaving only stars upon stars staring ..."
His tiny fire, being the only light in a hundred miles seemed to burn twice as bright.
His tiny fire, the only light in a hundred miles, seemed twice its normal brightness.
Soloman forced himself [not to look at it>to look away from it], to keep his eyes attuned to the dark. Instead, he sat cross-legged with his back to the flames, staring up at the stones, with Lightseeker across his knees, the elvish runes on its blade shining ever-so-slightly blue under the stars.
A bit long, though the language is very good. Maybe "...stones. A faint blue radiance limned the runes etched into Lightseeker across his knees.
Here, Soloman waited. He would begin his task at dawn -- assuming nothing happened before then.
Something about the word "assuming" triggers clichés in my English-speaking brain. Perhaps "so long as" or "as long as"?
I like it!
===|==============/ Level Head