Wafflitude

[the_gneech]

The anime series Ruin Explorers has an interesting magical artifact, the "Sword of Sargus." The details are a little vague, but apparently the spirit of a warrior named Sargus inhabits this sword, and without Sargus' blessing, the sword's powers can't be invoked ... and only those who are "pure of purpose" can wield the blade.

It doesn't matter if the purpose is good or evil -- all that matters is that the person wielding the sword is single-mindedly devoted to that purpose. Thus, at the end of the story, Rugudoril, the evil sorcerer-cleric villain of the piece, finds he can't wield the sword, because he is still nagged by his conscience about the awful atrocities he's committed. Prince Lyle, the Aragorn-type of the piece, can and does wield the sword, because his only thought is getting revenge for Rugudoril's devastation of their homeland.

I, I'm afraid, could not wield the Sword of Sargus. I am, much to my own constant annoyance, a waffler. I doubt every decision I make, wonder about all the different possibilities ahead of me, constantly re-evaluate and wonder if there's something better just around the corner. I'm not so bad about it that I can't function -- at least, not most of the time -- but it's still bad enough that I get frustrated.

Take a look at my writing, as a prime example. After all that work I poured into Ethangea, I'm still not satisfied with it. Part of me wants to strip out all of the funky races; part of me wants to add Norse-style giants and dwarves; part of me wants to throw away the big map and start all over again with just a single island and let the map grow organically out of the story; part of me wants to write different things in different worlds; part of me wants to concentrate on a single epic work that can encompass a whole series of novels. Part of me wants to throw all my writing out the window and go play computer games.

Life, generally speaking, far rewards specialization over generalization -- and so too, it rewards definitive, decisive behavior over waffling. Specialization may send you to heights of excellence or it may make you obsolete; generalization always keeps you in the realm of mediocrity. Decisive action may be right or it may be wrong; waffling is always wrong.

At the risk of sounding a bit arrogant, I am smart, and I am capable. If I could just pick one thing, and know without doubt or regret that it was the right answer, and not be plagued with this constant "Wellll ... I'm not sure..." I could go far. I suspect that this may be the most important role of the editor, manager, or agent of many a creative type, the coach of an athelete, etc. -- to give whoever is doing the performance not just knowledge or feedback, but instill them with that burning desire to succeed at this task.

I don't really have such a person in my life; I don't know if I'd be capable of responding to one if I did. I grew up more or less on my own recognizances ... I long ago got in the habit of making my own decision and distrusting those from outside. The honest truth of the matter is that I don't know if I can truly recognize any authority other than my own. So, when my own authority fails me, I have nobody else to turn to. (Those of a religious bent might suggest God; to them I say, "Give me his e-mail address, 'cause I haven't received anything I recognized as an answer from prayers.")

This waffley nature is why I so admire Conan, who is, if nothing else, the epitome of decisive action. He knows what he wants, and he takes it -- and he also knows what he doesn't want, and he leaves it behind. He is sufficient in his own authority. Of course, there's a reason why the Conan stories are called "fantasy." ;)

I am sometimes amazed that I manage to produce anything at all. But the fact that I do, at least, lets me know that there may be hope for me yet.

-The Gneech

Comments

A secret kept from us eggheads...

[chipuni.livejournal.com]

There are secrets that are kept from us eggheads. This is one of them.

Ronald Reagan was elected President, not because he was considered an expert on any field, but because he was absolutely certain that he's right, and -- in his folksy way -- communicated that. The same happened (partially) for George 2. Bush.

People who come across as absolutely certain -- even if they're wrong -- are considered leaders. We eggheads are trained to question ourselves, to value truth over certainty. Leaders are the opposite.

Re: A secret kept from us eggheads...

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

Hmm ... I kinda wish Dubya was a little LESS sure of himself, at this stage. But that's for another post. ;) -TG

[level-head.livejournal.com]

Spoilers for an anime story? I think you've hit something rather more significant.

ALL of us are plagued by indecision and doubts. The difference -- the "magic" if you will, is a resolve to not let those moments or whatever of indecision change the actions.

Once you've consiously made this decision, and you've got it in writing or in some other form equally concrete, you start developing the habit of thinking that way.

Once you start developing that habit, your natual ability to twist facts to suit your "reality" starts working for you. (long pause as I attended a meeting in the middle -- you've probably got several responses by now... ;) )

I'm stubborn, and convinced that you can do what you really want to do. There is obviously no barrier with regard to talent, or intelligence, or physical difficulty.

Ya just gotta wanna, like real bad, ya' know? Y'all CAN, if ya wanna. 'Sup to you. I'll help.

===|==============/ Level Head
SJCode: SJ+++ TGM+++ CA++ A! Tiff+ Wens+ Leo+ Spot+ Wolf+ Lna+ (Osw++ Edd+) MB+++ Fan+++ Fur TiL

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

Yes, well, it's getting to that moment of conscious decision that's the hard part. Once the decision is made, the rest is logistics. :) -TG

Re:

[level-head.livejournal.com]

OK, so?

You scared? (I'm wearing my red suit at the moment...)

===|==============/ Level Head
SJCode: SJ+++ TGM+++ CA++ A! Tiff+ Wens+ Leo+ Spot+ Wolf+ Lna+ (Osw++ Edd+) MB+++ Fan+++ Fur TiL

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

Of you in a red suit? Not particularly. ;) -TG

[blacktigr.livejournal.com]

The way I work it is to jump through any door that opens. Kinda Nietzsche-esque in that respect, but we do only live once with this same experience.

[level-head.livejournal.com]

Inspirational words to our Red-locked Gneechie.

===|==============/ Level Head
SJCode: SJ+++ TGM+++ CA++ A! Tiff+ Wens+ Leo+ Spot+ Wolf+ Lna+ (Osw++ Edd+) MB+++ Fan+++ Fur TiL

[level-head.livejournal.com]

"jump through any door that opens..."

It occurs to me that you are not a pilot. ;)

I think that our Gneech has misunderstood my reference to seeming to act as your "shoulder angel" or "shoulder devil" as the case may be, and has a mental image now of me dressed as Santa Claus. --- Now I'm scared!

===|==============/ Level Head
SJCode: SJ+++ TGM+++ CA++ A! Tiff+ Wens+ Leo+ Spot+ Wolf+ Lna+ (Osw++ Edd+) MB+++ Fan+++ Fur TiL

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

Oooooh, is THAT what you meant! :) Okay.

Well, FWIW, I'm still not scared. ;) You've had that impish aspect as long as I've known you.

Or if you meant, "are you scared of making a decision," I imagine there is some of that; I don't have a real good track record when it comes to making big decisions.

Obviously, some have been easy. "Let Plan 9 publish books of my strips? Heck, yeah!" But decisions where there isn't a right answer, or where there are multiple "sorta right" answers and I have to pick the "most right" one, gnaw away at me, and make me go around in circles.

There is a fable ... I suspect it's from Aesop but I don't remember for sure. Anyway, it involves a dog and two pieces of meat, about 15 feet away from each other. The dog comes upon the first one, sniffs it, and thinks, "Yay! Meat! It's going to be delicious!" He hunkers down to gnaw on it, when he spots the other one ... and thinks, "I wonder if that piece of meat is better than this one?"

So he gets up, trots over to the other piece of meat, sniffs it, and thinks, "Yay! Meat! It's going to be delicious!" He hunkers down to gnaw on it, when he notices the first one ... and thinks, "Hmm ... that piece of meat sure smelled delicious ... I'd hate to lose it!" So he gets up, goes over to the other piece of meat...

Net result, the dog starves to death halfway between the two pieces.

That's sorta what I go through. I'm not sure why, exactly ... I have theories involving various childhood traumas, and some others that are more recent. (Oy!) But the reason why isn't really that important, at this stage. I'm a big boy now, it's time to get over that stuff. What I'm more interested is what to do about the problem.

One of the things I've been doing is, basically, practicing my decision making. "Okay, I am going to do X and finish it, before going on to the next project," or "today, I am going to do fun stuff only," or "no more writing until I draw X strips," and so on.

The other thing, is gradually, and with as much precision as I can muster, burning bridges. This is just as difficult and fraught with peril as anything else, but it does limit my options and therefore enforce my decisions once they're made.

[level-head.livejournal.com]

The original parable involves a donkey (Balaam's ass, I believe) and two piles of hay. It is the same concept.

Burning bridges is not a good way to force yourself to commit to a course of action, in my opinion. Not only does it tend to cause injury, but it also removes a path that you may need, in a hurry, sometime in the future.

Some decisions are necessarily hurtful -- to yourself and others. This is likely to be more than you anticipate; I think I told you that, when I arranged for major surgery a few years ago, I did not realize that I was completely immune to painkillers. :(

Nevertheless, it was a good thing, in spite of interesting moments.

But when you make a decision that hurts someone else, do what you can to minimize this effect. Getting yourself thrown out of one life is not necessarily the best way to find out if reincarnation really is possible.

The phrase "be true to yourself" is a common toss-off for such circumstances, but not everyone has a clear picture of what "being true to yourself" really means. In the absense of a clear sense of this, you can develop a set of goals, be true to those long-term goals as they exist at that moment, and then tinker with them from time to time until they feel right.

But some overarching, major, unattainable principle to guide such decisions and goal making is, if not crucial, at least extremely helpful. Find a dream and chase it. But know what the milestones are, so you can pat yourself on the back as you progess.

Frisk The Puppy has a good sense of this, I perceive. As all of us, he has some distance to travel -- but he's coming along and he knows it.

An expression from SpellShocked.com -- "fate and luck cruelly guide the irresponsible" -- seems to be true enough. But in this case "irresponsible" would be genericized to "those not in control of their lives". That's all of us, from time to time; our success depending on minimizing the times we're not in control.

It has nothing to do with being your own boss, in the normal business sense. You already are the owner and operator of The Gneech, Inc. -- and currently working on a contract with Starbucks among other ventures.

Here's to your inevitable success!

===|==============/ Level Head
SJCode: SJ+++ TGM+++ CA++ A! Tiff+ Wens+ Leo+ Spot+ Wolf+ Lna+ (Osw++ Edd+) MB+++ Fan+++ Fur TiL

[jamesbarrett.livejournal.com]

Milestone are very important. Without them, how do you know if what you've been doing is good enough? How can you tell if you've come far enough if you have nothing to tell you how far you've come? I just couldn't do it at all without something telling me how well I'm doing at it. That's why I have a writing log so I can see that I have been doing it and for so long and that I have done so much. -Frisk

Re:

[level-head.livejournal.com]

Hah! www.Balaam's-Ass.com is a Christian site.

===|==============/ Level Head
SJCode: SJ+++ TGM+++ CA++ A! Tiff+ Wens+ Leo+ Spot+ Wolf+ Lna+ (Osw++ Edd+) MB+++ Fan+++ Fur TiL

[blacktigr.livejournal.com]

*snicker*

[jamesbarrett.livejournal.com]

The dog story bothers me. I understand it is a fable and I know what its point is, but I can't help thinking, "The meat is fifteen feet apart. Grab one and drag it over to the other. Then ya got both." Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't be able to go round and round between the two. -Frisk

[murrrmaiyd.livejournal.com]

That is exactly what I was thinking! :)

Mur

[blacktigr.livejournal.com]

And I was thinking how stupid the canine had to be not to eat the one first and the other later. But I think that's species prejudice.

Re:

[jamesbarrett.livejournal.com]

probably so. For us doggies, get it now before some else does is the key. Claim it, hunker over it, snarl when they try to take it from you. That's why I wanted to drag the one over to the other. Then I'm over both. They're mine now, Get your won. *Snarl* -Frisk

[blacktigr.livejournal.com]

Actually, Level_Head, my hubby asked me if I wanted to take private pilot's lessons (two weeks ago). I said, "I'd love to, but I have to finish school first."

How's *that* for a giant leap of faith? ;)

[level-head.livejournal.com]

You'll enjoy it, I think. There's a certain feeling of ripping along, dragging a wingtip through a cloud so crisp that it doesn't get your windshield wet, that is unequaled in my experience.

You are completely reliant on your own skills, and the view and feeling is spectacular.

===|==============/ Level Head
SJCode: SJ+++ TGM+++ CA++ A! Tiff+ Wens+ Leo+ Spot+ Wolf+ Lna+ (Osw++ Edd+) MB+++ Fan+++ Fur TiL

[blacktigr.livejournal.com]

My dad used to fly a homebuilt. We went to the EAA fly-in every year for vacation. I've flown in a number of different small aircraft, including one with no engine. I like flying. Well, I like flying, but I could do without the engine noise. I think owning a glider or an ultralight would be cool.

I am kinda a bit scared that I am too much of a flibbertigibbet to keep my checklists straight, but I bet that when my life depends on it, I will be able to concentrate on that. :)

Funny fact: My dad almost crashed on his first solo flight. He tells stories.

[level-head.livejournal.com]

Ah, a reference, I think, to "The Sound of Music".

You'll do fine.

Ultralights are neat as well -- there is an ultralight field less than 1,000 feet from where I sit. And they are quite easy to learn, and it takes relatively little time to get certified.

They are noisy -- but it's all hanging out; you can't get any "freer" shy of ultralighting in the nude, which does not suit me at all. ;)

Are we off topic or what? ;)

===|==============/ Level Head
SJCode: SJ+++ TGM+++ CA++ A! Tiff+ Wens+ Leo+ Spot+ Wolf+ Lna+ (Osw++ Edd+) MB+++ Fan+++ Fur TiL

[jamesbarrett.livejournal.com]

*warning lights start flashing* You are way off topic, but it's ok. I found it very entertaining. -Frisk

[jamesbarrett.livejournal.com]

Despite the fact that I do not like to make choices, I think I would be able to make the sword work for me because when I do make a choice, I MAKE a choice. I devote myself to it until I feel it has happened. Perhaps that is why I make so few of them. It takes a lot of effort to commit that much to something. -Frisk