Churchill's Black Dog

[the_gneech]

Now, for some actual content.

I imagine that most people who know me know that I have had recurring bouts with depression over the years, some of them fairly severe. While I have become pretty adept at heading it off at the pass, this past week it hit me pretty hard, and earlier today, while I blathered on about Yoinks and Jinkies, I hit bottom of this particular attack.

One of the annoying things about clinical depression (as opposed to just "being sad") is that there is usually no real antecedent, you just find yourself wandering around hovering on the edge of tears for no good reason. It isn't a real sadness, it's some stupid gland or whatever releasing mood-altering chemicals into your brain, just like taking a drug.

And like being on drugs, it can make you stupid; offhand comments become vicious personal attacks, slight setbacks become world-ending traumas, etc. If you're not careful, and sometimes even if you are, you find yourself doing or saying things that are absolutely out of proportion to the situation at hand ... and when you're back in your normal frame of mind you find yourself saying, "What the hell was I thinking???" But at the time, you either don't realize what's going on, or in your emotional state you just say "Fuck it, I don't care!"

I don't know if there's a cause-and-effect relationship between my lack of sleep and my depression, or in what direction that relationship might be. I'm not sleeping well because I'm upset, which in turn makes it more easy for me to get upset because I haven't had any sleep. I've generally become fairly good at spotting the early warning signs and heading them off at the pass -- the Emergency Day Off I took from work last week was an attempt to short-circuit the downward spiral -- but this time it was too little, too late apparently.

I'm generally pretty reserved and maintain my standard cheerful demeanor on the outside at all times, so I doubt if more than a handful of people would even know something was bugging me unless I told them. But I'm bringing it up because earlier today I got into that "WTF" mode and started getting weird at people (you know who you are). Fortunately I realized what was going on and (hopefully) corrected it before any lasting harm was done ... and a few good friends (and of course the lovely and patient lythandra) managed to get me through until I could get a fairly solid nap (the depressive's anti-drug) and a little treat in the form of a Japanese steak house trip that helped knock me out of the rut.

So I'd just like to send out a blanket "thanks, sorry about that" to everybody who was affected, and a general reminder to everyone else -- if I ever behave in weirdly emotional ways that seem out of character for me, please let me know because I'm probably "in a mood" and may not entirely realize what I'm doing.

Thanks. :)

-The Gneech

Comments

[frostdemn.livejournal.com]

Wow, I'm learning stuff I didn't know about you. But I'm glad you're doing alright, and if you ever need a hug or pat on the back or pick-me-up from another of those feelings, I'll try to help!
Though like I said, you seem to have it under control.
Anyway.. You rock. I'm always happy to help. :3

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

^.^ Danke!

-TG

[susandeer.livejournal.com]

Oif. I didn't notice! I'm glad you got a good nap then. I hope you have a good time this weekend @:)

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :) I'm looking forward to selling a ton o' Childproofed Unicorn shirts! ;)

-TG

[paradisacorbasi.livejournal.com]

Thanks for posting that.

I know what it's like and I hope you feel better very soon.

You are now at hug count: 2 for Dragon*Con

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

^.^

See you there! Hopefully we can have a little more engaging conversation than "There you are!" "Here I am!"

-TG

[indigoangelcat.livejournal.com]

I pray things get back on the up and up with ya! I kind of know where you are coming from (being sad for no reason and such)but I am happy you had a moment to relax and good family around to help you though it (even better when they understand ya, and know how to help). Please have much fun this weekend and say hi to all of the little fuzz ballz :)

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

Will do my best! :) Thanks.

-TG

[goodluckfox.livejournal.com]

I understand, since I battle something similar. I just spent a week off my meds until I was able to refill them. At first I thought it was no big deal... by the end I was just about useless.

Even WITH the medicine it doesn't always work. I'm prolly just as guilty as the next guy of BWI (Blogging While Impaired). Having understanding friends helps. And there have been times when I've told myself "Gneech battles his own version of it, too, it's not just you, and look how productive and together HE has it." So in a way, you're a bit of a role model.

If I've never blogged about the "Three S's" I will now. "Sanwich, Shower, and Sleep." That will go most of the way towards breaking out of spiraling thought processes, and is useful for lots of other situations as well. I swear by it.

[huskyteer.livejournal.com]

> And there have been times when I've told myself "Gneech battles his
> own version of it, too, it's not just you, and look how productive
> and together HE has it."

Just wanted to metoo that.

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

^.^

Pleased to be of service!

-TG

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

As Red Green says, "I'm pullin' for ya -- we're all in this together." ;)

Seriously, tho, you've got the formula right there. :) Even if they don't completely fix things, at least you've had a sanwich, shower, and sleep. :)

-The Gneech

[torakiyoshi.livejournal.com]

Well, here's hoping that D*C is exactly the pick-me-up that you need, then.

I'll be asking all my friends to give you hugs and snugs on my behalf when you're there-- those who aren't already unreachably en-route, that is!

Have teh best Fuzzy Con ever!

-=TK

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

Heehee! Thanks. :)

-TG

[spikedpunch.livejournal.com]

Well, you know that I more than understand what you are dealing with.
::scritches::

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

:) I know we don't get to talk much these days, but yer a good friend. Thanks!

-TG

[exatron.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I thought some of your responses were a bit different from usual, but figured it was because you said it was going to be a long day today.

At least I know now, and knowing is half the battle.

Have fun at D*C.

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

^.^ Thank you!

-TG

[hossblacksilver.livejournal.com]

Glad to hear you're feeling better at least. Looking forward to meeting you again this weekend.

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

It'll be good to attach a face to the name! ;) See you there!

-TG

[cyberhorn.livejournal.com]

pats gneech err elbow (cant reach head) sokay we all have our off days and the good stuf ya do and humor you spread gives you credit

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

:) Thankies!

-TG

[huskyteer.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you've managed to head it off at the pass, or shortly after the pass. I sympathise entirely.

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

As far as I can tell, it's not something that really goes away ... but it is something that can be managed to some extent. The good news is that the medicine is cheap, plentiful, and easy to come by! ;)

-The Gneech

[c-eagle.livejournal.com]

This sort of entry takes a lot of courage, and I salute you sir... *wing to forehead*

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

Well thanks! :) I don't feel particularly courageous, I just want to explain my peculiar behavior so people don't think I'm a nut. ;)

-The Gneech

[jamesbarrett.livejournal.com]

Too late! -Frisk

[spasmsproject.livejournal.com]

*hug*

*more hugs*

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

^.^ Thanks!

-TG

[graveyardgreg.livejournal.com]

You've definitely come a long way, baby! *hugs* Enjoy Dragon*Con!

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

I've seen about eight people here so far who look just like you. It's weird!

-TG

[graveyardgreg.livejournal.com]

Jinkies!

[sirfox.livejournal.com]

*squeeze*
I can sympathize. I've been having a rather cruddy time at work what with a lame new office, and the weather yesterday certainly didn't help. I've been battling depression with a hefty dose of muppets and just recently, fraggle rock. keep smiling, gimme a ring if you need anything.

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

:) Thanks!

-TG

[tchall.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Glad to hear you're feelign better, pal. See you in a few hours at Dragon*Con. :)

[kylet.livejournal.com]

I still never would've noticed with the posts. Moral: Show it earlier so we can do more about it ;-)

And I'm sure the con will help too. Have fun!

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't like to "show it" at all if I can avoid it 'cause I know as well as anybody that it can be a real drag to hear somebody talking about how down they are all the time. I have various treatment methods and they work 90% of the time ... it's just that every once in a while a flake moment gets through.

I still have a better record than Leona! ;)

Thankies!

-TG

[nslashk.livejournal.com]

can be a real drag to hear somebody talking about how down they are all the time

Aww, c'mon, blogs were INVENTED for this sort of thing, surely! You're just nice enough to break up the (rare) self-referential post with great swathes of art, writing and the like.

[chipuni.livejournal.com]

I understand and appreciate what you're going through. I've been battling depression for almost ten years.

Do you have a counsellor? Does your work provide any kind of assistance with counselling? (Mine gives a few free sessions.)

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

I do have a counselor, and he helps; he helped me chart a path out of the really low low period in 1999-2002. :) On the whole, I'm actually doing very well these days. I just hit the occasional rough spot.

-TG