Dis - Integration

[the_gneech]

Is it possible for a mind to tear itself apart?

Must Draw < -- > Don't Want to Draw
Must Write < -- > But Must Draw
Must Work < -- > Want to Stay Home
Must Sleep < -- > Hate Sleep
New Job < -- > Pays Less Than Half of Graphics
Hate Graphics < -- > Have No Other Paying Skills
Searching for Graphics Job < -- > There Are None
Requirements of Monogamy < -- > Desire for Polyamory
Desire to Read < -- > Have No Time
Need Exercise < -- > Exhausted From Lack of Sleep

I'm running around in circles. I've been running around in circles for a long time. I need something to break the cycle; I can't stand up to the strain.

My brother was roughly twenty-five when he was overwhelmed by his schizophrenia; he was in his mid- to late-thirties when he finally overcame it, and he's been dealing with the fallout ever since. I was thirty when my mind started to shake itself apart ... am I going to be fighting this for the next eight years of MY life?

I am a mess. :P

-The Gneech

Comments

Whoa....

[chipuni.livejournal.com]

Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, friend...

I'm sorry that I'm nowhere physically close to you.

Take some deeeeeeeeeeeep breaths. Breathe in....




Breathe out....



Breathe in....



Breathe out....



Breathe in....















Okay. Breathe out.



I highly recommend that you visit your health food store, and pick up some chamomile tea. If that doesn't work, then try catnip tea. If that doesn't work, ask them if they have valerian root. (Warning: valerian smells awful.)

No matter how good of a barista you are, stay away from caffeine.


When you've detox'd from caffeine (about three or so days), and you're feeling more mellow, then write down all the things that you do. Suburban Jungle, Never Never, your new world, time with your wife, your job, your reading, your exercise, sleeping, writing on LiveJournal... everything. Look them over, and decide how much time you can spend on each. Be honest with this, too. Dump what you can no longer handle, or what gives you less than you put into it.

Take care of yourself, John. You're a limited resource.

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

:) Thanks ... it's not the caffiene, tho.

I am actually doing several things to take care of myself ... 900 mg of St. John's Wort daily ... counselor every three weeks ... etc.

I have been doing an assessment along the lines of what you suggest for a while now ... but I end up going around in circles.

The comic strips are voracious beasts that demand constant feeding ... but they return incredible rewards in terms of touching people and making them happy. The writing connects my soul to something deep and ancient that I can barely even comprehend, and to neglect that sucks the meaning out of my life. And my wife is a real, vital, flesh-and-blood person of rare character and worth, whom I can't just turn away from.

Trying to prioritize between these things is like trying to decide which arm to chop off, which is why I have these occasional meltdowns.

In any case, I'm sorry if I alarmed you; every once in a while, I just freak a little. Thank you for listening and responding, tho ... it helps tremendously. -TG

Re: Deja Vu

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

Heehee. :) The great crisis of the digital age...

Offers you his puppyish cuteness and enthusiasm, hoping that will help

[jamesbarrett.livejournal.com]

I wish I knew what to say here. I hate to see my best friend like this. About all I can suggest is those deep breaths Chipuni suggested. His advice sounds reasonable from this end. Perhaps you should give it a try.

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

Thanks ... but I'll be fine. Do you remember one day at FCHS, where I went out to the football field and just yelled at the world for ten minutes? This was one of those. -TG

[jamesbarrett.livejournal.com]

Well, yeah, but I was there when you did that and could ask you, "what was that all about?" afterwards. I've been hanging around the house all day and you weren't online for me to ask that, so I got worried.

I think my email says it all

[mammallamadevil.livejournal.com]

but I have to agree with Chipuni...definitely a limited resource...take care of yourself....MLD

[katayamma.livejournal.com]

I debated answering this, seeing as how I'm a minor source of your stress, however please remember that my IM's always up for ya'.

Cheers

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

You're not a source of stress at all! You take a big load of work off of my hands, and I'm grateful. -TG

Snugs

[tygercowboy.livejournal.com]

Hang in there hun.....you have to make some special time for yourself that is just you time....read, write, go for a walk, go to a museum. Find yourself an outlet, I don't wanna see anythnig happen to you!

Huggggga

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

Thanks ... but with all these things arguing for supremacy in my mind, "just me time" is just as noisy as "doing stuff for other people" time. :)

I will be okay, tho, don't worry about that. :) *hugs ya back*

[tygermoonfoxx.livejournal.com]

Looks like you borrowed the arguments going around in my head :P Well, at least I'm in good company. Maybe you ought to just shove everything but the essentials aside for a bit and take some time for yourself personally --- do something for yourself that you haven't done for a while, even if it seems silly or small. It doesn't look like mental illness to me; more like the typical angst of a highly creative mind. At least you have SOME skills; Starbucks wouldn't even hire me :P

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

I bet they would. ;) Have you applied? (Thanks, BTW. :) )

Re:

[tygermoonfoxx.livejournal.com]

yup...I'm "overqualified". They don't need someone with "my level of education". :P

[spikedpunch.livejournal.com]

Well, coming from someone with some experience in loosing his mind, just remember your not going to be going through it alone. You have a loving wife, and a mess of furiends and friends like us to pull you through.

::hugs da lion::

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

:) *huuuugs*

Nice thing about hugging a schizophrenic.....

[spikedpunch.livejournal.com]

...it's always a group hug no matter what. ^_^

We've all be there

[foxcutter.livejournal.com]

Some more then others. For me it's always a fight how to spend the few hours or so of free time I get every day. I have writing, programing, my craft projects, stuff I've record t watch, hobbies, e-mail the games which I don't play much at all. It's hard to work out what to do when.

At least I get the bills payed on time.

I wish you luck working out how to ballance all the things you want and need to do.

And once you've done that, tell me how?

--Fox