the_gneech: (Blank)
WASHINGTON, DC: Local man and notorious weirdo John "The Gneech" Robey today went to court to request a restraining order against a wrapped packet of money with a pair of googly eyes on top, the money he could be saving by switching to GEICO.

In a statement to reporters, The Gneech was quoted, "It wasn't so bad when the Australian gecko was offering me tea and biscuits, and heck, even the caveman was okay once I got used to the smell. But now I always feel like somebody's watching me. Can I have some privacy? I always feel like somebody's watching me! Who is playing tricks on me?" The Gneech then twirled around, kicked his right foot spasmodically into the air and pulled his fedora down over his eyes, adding, "HOO!"

The money Gneech could be saving by switching to GEICO declined to comment.
the_gneech: (Kero Power Tie)

UNION OF SECRET AGENTS VOTES 16-12 TO STRIKE LIKE THUNDERBALL



END OF DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME MAKES LIFE FINALLY NOT SUCK FOR A WHILE



ISSUE OF THE MORNING STAR MADE UP ENTIRELY OF HEADLINES WITHOUT STORIES



AREA MAN MAKES OBSCURE LIVEJOURNAL POST BASED ON 'ZINE HE DID AGES AGO



SYM SKIMMER'S HOUSE OF BLOGGERY (advertisement)



ASK MR. SMARTY!



LETTERS TO THE EDITOR



CLASSIFIEDS

the_gneech: (Vote Six)
Obama's Declaration Of Swine Flu Emergency Prompts Pro-Swine-Flu Republican Response

Nothing surprises me these days.

-The Gneech
the_gneech: (Yoda Hammertime)
Dear Boba Fett:
There's this guy I'm crushing on in my Earth Sciences class; he's so cute! But whenever I try to talk to him I just freak out and come off like a total spazoid. What can I do? Should I just grab him, or what?
--Tripping Over My Tongue

Dear Tripping Over My Tongue:
What if he doesn't survive? He's worth a lot to me.
--Boba Fett


Dear IG-88:
You know that quote about "slay your enemies, drive them before you, hear the lamentations of their women"? I know for a fact that's from Conan the Barbarian, I've got it on VHS even, but my idiot roommate says it was first said by Genghis Khan. Can you prove him wrong?
--Annoyed by a Doofus

Dear Annoyed by a Doofus:
I think, therefore I am. I destroy, therefore I endure.
--IG-88


Dear Cad Bane:
I am totally frustrated! I've just been passed over for promotion -- again!! -- and I seriously think it may be just because I'm a woman. I keep seeing younger, less experienced men getting promoted right and left, but whenever I want to get ahead, it's "Oh, no, *you* can't be promoted, you'll just get pregnant and quit." I'm so furious!!! Do you think I have grounds for a lawsuit?
--Where's Dolly, Lily, and Jane When I Need Them?

Dear Where's Dolly, Lily, and Jane When I Need Them?
Sorry to bother you, Chancellor, but I've taken control of the East Wing of your Senate Building, and the occupants are now my hostages. If you care about them, I'd advise you to free Ziro the Hutt from the Detention Center.
--Cad Bane


Dear Bossk:
Which weighs more, a ton of mice or a ton of elephants?
--The Pointless Questioner

Dear Pointless Questioner:
Erraaaallurrrrr... *hiss, drool*
--Bossk
the_gneech: (Vote Six)
Nation's Morons March on Washington State

-TG
the_gneech: (It Stinks)
Roiling Mass of Snakes to Receive $160 Billion in Government Stimulus

At least the blind cavefish provision got cut. That was pure pork, man.

-The Gneech
the_gneech: (Vote Six)
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- This reporter has received shocking information via e-mail
that references in Barack Obama's acceptance speech to "bringing a puppy to the
White House" reveals a secret agenda to kill kittens. "If you LOVE KITTENS," the
e-mail urges, "you must ACT NOW before they're ROUNDED UP AND SLAUGHTERED." It
goes on to quote Kentucky state legislator 'Scruff' E. Peuch (R): "I'm not
trying to compare Obama to Hitler or anything, but it's a matter of historical
record that during the early days of the Third Reich, puppies were very popular
all over Germany. And we all know what that meant for German kittens. I'm just
sayin'."

This comes on the heels of an urgent e-mail from the same source marveling at
the idea that 52% of Americans actually hate America and want to destroy freedom
and prosperity and urging readers to go out and buy guns while you still can.
the_gneech: (Vote Six)
(Based on "Virus Alert" by Weird Al Yankovic)

Hey, everyone, listen up, your attention if you please
Really want to give you a warning
'Cause I found out this morning
'Bout a dangerous, insidious presidential candidate
If you should see a candidate with the message: "Hope" or "Change"
Better not go taking your chances
Under no circumstances
Should you vote for him or else he will
Impose a four hundred percent tax rate
Make everybody use wax plates
Neuter your pets and give your laundry static cling

(Look out!) He's more liberal than Marx
(Look out!) He wants to put some lasers on sharks
(Look out!) Take all your money and your handguns too
And burn the flag of anyone related to you

Obama alert!
Donate to Republicans before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody

Soon, very soon, he will make all the paint peel off your walls
His campaign tactics are tricky
He'll give your poodle a hickey
And drop Iraq like it was a very hot potato
Then he will tie up your phone making prank long distance calls
He'll set your clocks back an hour
And start hogging the shower
So just vote McCain now, or else Obama will
decide to give you a permanent wedgie
legally change your name to Reggie
even mess up the pH balance in your pool

(Look out!) He's a Muslim extremist in a clever disguise
(Look out!) You can tell by the shift in his eyes
(Look out!) He'll lecture you while you're tryin' to sleep
(Look out!) And make you physically attracted to sheep
(Look out!) Steal your identity and your credit cards
(Look out!) Buy you a warehouse full of pink leotards
(Look out!) Then cause a major rift in time and space
And leave a bunch of Twinkie wrappers all over the place
That's right, it's an...

Obama alert!
Donate to Republicans before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Obama alert!
Donate to Republicans before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Warn all your friends, send this to everybody
Tell everyone you know, tell everybody now

If he's elected, you'll wish you had never been born
So before he makes TV networks only show porn...

Send us all your money, you'll be better of that way
Did we mention that he thinks everybody should be gay?
Give Republicans the White House and the Senate too
'cause you know that only Democrats would ever lie to you

Obama alert!
Donate to Republicans before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Obama alert!
Donate to Republicans before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Obama alert!
Donate to Republicans before someone gets hurt
Forward this message on to everybody
Warn all your friends, send this to everybody
Tell everyone you know, tell everybody now
What are you waiting for?
Just hurry up and forward this to every single person that you know
Hit... send... right... now!


-The Gneech
the_gneech: (Vote Six)
Report: 60 Million People You'd Never Talk To Voting For Other Guy

According to the report, based on the social and cultural trends in the nation, over the next 20 years the number of people with whom you would never speak is only expected to increase. By the 2032 election, there will be an astonishing 150 million people you will never meet who will hate you and your candidate with the same fervent passion with which you will hate them and their candidate.

"I'm voting for [the other guy] all the way," Ohio resident Ethan Washburn said in a statement Monday. "I think that when it comes to foreign and domestic issues, he is best suited for the job. And anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot."


-The Gneech

Hmm.

May. 30th, 2008 09:40 am
the_gneech: (Default)


Probably NSFW. Very possibly NSF anywhere else either.

But if you liked, say, Kentucky Fried Movie...

-TG
the_gneech: (Kero shouting)
  1. Agonizing nerve pain. Lame.

  2. Squirrelly clients. Lame.

  3. Forced hard drive reformats. Lame!

  4. Jackhammers on the office foundation. Totally lame.

  5. Starbucks changed their blueberry muffin. LAME.

  6. "Babydoll" waistlines on blouses. Lame.

  7. The heat-death of the universe. Gaah, lame.

  8. Being out of Fritos. So lame.

  9. Raving right-wing nutjobs. Lame!

  10. Raving left-wing nutjobs. Lame, lame, lame.


-The Gneech
the_gneech: (Alex Spaz)
Expert Panel: Cartoonist's Claim to Be Too Sexy For Shirt Unfounded
A Special Report from The Morning /~* Star

Herndon, VA -- An independent panel of sexiness experts have unanimously
concluded that claims of local cartoonist and notorious weirdboy John "The
Gneech" Robey that he was "too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt,
so sexy it hurts" had, in fact, no basis in reality.

The panel, including Sigourney Weaver, Hugh Jackman, Angelina Jolie, Hugh
Grant, Kathy Ireland, various representatives from the Sexy Police, and Errol
Flynn (via psychic medium), issued a scathing point-by-point refutation of
Gneech's assertions, finding that he was:

  • Not too sexy for his shirt
  • Not so sexy it hurts
  • Not too sexy for Milan, New York, or Japan
  • Not too sexy for your party (and likely to disco dance)
  • Not too sexy for his car
  • Not too sexy by far
  • Not too sexy for his hat
  • Not too sexy for his cat
  • Not too sexy for his love
  • Not too sexy for this song
"And as for shaking his tush on the catwalk," said Jackman, "let's just not even go there, shall we?" What prompted Gneech to make such outrageous-but-easily-disproven claims has yet to be determined. When asked for comment, Gneech is reported to have told reporters that they turn him right round, baby, right round, like a record baby, right round round round. It has been suggested that he may be a loony. More reports on the situation as it develops.
the_gneech: (No Drama Zone)
Notorious local grouch and general misanthrope Ezekiel Grudge surprised
neighbors this morning by throwing open the windows of his large but
run-down house and shouting at the top of his lungs, "It's Christmas Day!
I haven't missed it! You'll see, old Jason Barley, we will make
a Merry Christmas, we will!"

Jason Barley, Grudge's business partner for some twenty years, died on
Christmas eve in 2000. Associates lauded him as "a good man of business."

Ezekiel Grudge's odd behavior continued when he came running out into the
street in his nightgown and gave a local boy $30 to run and buy "that
enormous goose" from a neighborhood Wegman's, promising to give the boy
an additional $25 upon return. He then bribed the manager of Target with
$200 to let him into the store, which would normally be closed on Christmas
Day, and purchased roughly $700 worth of toys and a 41" plasma television.
All these items, and the enormous goose, Grudge immediately took over to
the house of his administrative assistant, Rob Satchett, and presented
them to the Satchett family with a pledge that Satchett's annual salary
of $18,000 would be raised to $38,000, and that Grudge would begin
providing employer healthcare in order to ensure that Satchett's ailing son,
Tiny Tom, would be able to get medication required for his chronic asthma.

Tiny Tom was quoted as saying, "God bless us, every one."

Witnesses said they had not seen the like since area cartoonist and
celebrated weirdo The Gneech "stole Christmas," back in 1985.
the_gneech: (LIGHTNING from my FINGERS!)
Alternative music fans the world over were stunned this morning as local
cartoonist and notorious weirdo John "The Gneech" Robey took singer/
songwriter David Byrne to the river, and dropped him in the water.

"Psycho killer! Qu'est-ce que c'est?" Byrne is reported to have said
as he plummeted towards the Potomac. Fortunately, his fall was slowed by
his big floppy white suit, which also acted as a floatation device
until rescue services arrived.

When asked why he took Byrne to the river and dropped him in the water,
Gneech replied, "Well, he told me to. I assumed that's what he wanted!
I heard it on the radio. He also told me to take his money and his
cigarettes, but I think he was just being polite."

When asked to comment after being fished out, Byrne told reporters that
water dissolves, and water removes. We don't know what it means, either.
the_gneech: (Alex Spaz)
FAIRFAX, VA, 11/13/2006 -- Local cartoonist and celebrated weirdo John "The Gneech" Robey
was sent to the emergency room after there was an explosion of flavorTM from the
packet of Gummy Yummies he was eating. "I was totally unprepared for it," Gneech was
quoted as saying to hospital personnel. "I am used to getting a burst of fruit flavor from
Starblast Fruit Chews, but this was on a whole other scale!"

No other people were injured in the explosion, but several windows were broken and at least one
toy Dalek was knocked off a desk. Neighborhood dogs are reportedly still barking, but that
may be due to the fact that several car alarms have still not been turned off by idiot owners.

Reportedly, this is not the first time The Gneech has suffered from food-related
institutionalization. Records indicate that he spent three months incarcerated at the
Northern Virginia Institute for the Very, Very Nervous in 1983 after having gone
cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
the_gneech: (Error)
FAIRFAX, VA, Nov. 11, 2006 -- A toy Dalek on the desk of local cartoonist
John "The Gneech" Robey was quoted as saying "Exterminate the Doctor, the
enemy of the Daleks!" when asked its opinion on the recent elections. The
Dalek further added, "Dalek sensors indicate the presence of Time Lord!"

This announcement is consistent with recent toy Dalek policy on domestic
affairs. When asked its views on the Fairfax housing market, the toy Dalek
give an unambiguous comment of "Advance and destroy!" When asked if this
might be a rather extreme view, the toy Dalek replied, "Exterminate!
Exterminate! Exterminate!"

At this same time last week, when asked what The Gneech should have for
lunch, the toy Dalek is reported to have replied, "Under attack!" and
rolled off the desk, making the sound of a Dalek weapon blast from the
floor. It is not clear if that was a reaction to the topic of lunch
generally, or merely to Gneech's suggestion of a tuna sandwich.
the_gneech: (Kero asleep)
Friends, are you tired? Listless? Irritable? Then maybe you, like so many hundreds of others, could benefit from the refreshing properties of SLEEP!

Yes, SLEEP, that wonder-substance known to the ancients, is now available at the low, low cost of FREE, but only for a limited time through this amazing special offer!

And it's not just you that can benefit! Pets love SLEEP, too! Just listen to what this satisfied pet owner has to say:

"My cat loves SLEEP so much, she does it eighteen to twenty-two hours a day! I can't get her to stop using SLEEP!"
--Henrietta "Hankie" Burlaps


So how can you get some SLEEP, you ask? It's so simple and easy, you'll wonder why you've never had decent SLEEP before!

All you need to do is find a dark, quiet room, and lie down. Sooner or later, without any artifial ingredients or dangerous stimulants, you'll gain the beneficial and 100% natural effects of SLEEP! So try some tonight! You'll be glad you did!

-The Gneech

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